I wasn't sure if I should blog about this or not. This might just be a completely random post, but who knows? It could be interesting, and I've come to realize that blogging is very therapeutic. Here goes nothing.
My entire life I have always been a little out of place. In my family, I am what you would call the "exception." I came from a pretty broken home most of the time. My parents were always on and off. I knew about things that no children should have to know about. I saw the fights. I saw the drugs. I lived in total chaos. Instead of repeating the cycle I wanted nothing more but to get out. I worked hard in school. Kept my grades up. I didn't do this because I got praise from my parents (trust me, I didn't) I did it because I wanted to be different. In many ways, I am. I've never touched a drug in my life. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I am strong and dedicated. I am proud of the person I am today, but the person I am today comes with many scars.
I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle with letting go. I struggle with being a doormat. I struggle with low self esteem. I struggle with finishing things. Growing up, when times got tough, my parents quit. This is a constant struggle for me.
Most people don't know any of this about me. I hide things well.
Right now, I'm struggling. I'm struggling with who I am. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I love my wonderful husband and our two little fur babies. I'm happy and content, but I'm struggling. All of my friends graduated from college last year and since I made poor choices in school and then did a drastic major change, I still have 4 semesters left before I graduate. All of my friends are getting their "big girl" jobs now and I feel so lost, so left behind. All of this is my fault. I can blame it on my past all I want to (and trust me, I would like to) but the poor decisions I made after high school were all my own.
I didn't go off and do drugs or do anything illegal. I didn't have a baby. After high school I went straight to working a full time job. I did this for 2 years before I realized I was being STUPID. That I wasting my life at a dead end job.
Here I am, a few years later and still feel as lost as 19 year old me. I'm half way through with my education degree and some days I'm positive it's where I should be. Other days I wonder what in the world I am doing. I'm embarrassed to admit that to people! Especially people who are older, the hubs fam and such. Everyone seems so put together....
I hope I am not the only 23 year old who still has no idea what the future holds.
24. Went to college. Then went to grad school. Still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. ♥ You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteNope, my Dear, you're not alone. A quote I heard once -- "The most interesting people I meet are the ones in their mid-life who have no idea what they are going to be when they grow up." In many cases, it's so true. I'm working on my 4th "life," as it were. We go through seasons...for a variety of reasons. The Lord takes us through things and uses even our bad choices to get us where He wants us. Give yourself some grace. Really.
ReplyDeleteMy Mama liked you, Amanda. One thing she would always ask me about herself, "What am I going to be when you grow up? (giggle, giggle)" My standard response? "Older." :-) Even my sweet Mama didn't know what she wanted to be when she "grew up." It's ok.
Bottom line, the Lord has a plan and a purpose for you. Seek His face, and He'll show you. As long as you're obedient to Him, it's all good.
And as far as your family life growing up, I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. We all, unfortunately, have crap to deal with from our families. The scope of that varies, but we each have to decide what we're going to do with it and pray for healing. Not to be trite, but the Lord uses our hurts & scars to help us touch another life. Sucks that we have to go through it, but at least it's not for nothing.
Love you!
sorry about the novel! yikes! that's what i get for posting in the middle of the night...
ReplyDelete*sigh*