Even as I type that, I try to put a smile on my face because that's what I do. When things get tough, I laugh it off. I am the positive one. I tell everyone that it's going to be fine, that it can't get any worse. I pick up all the pieces when people are falling apart. I send cards, I text, I call....just because. Because that's what I've always done. I grew up with two of the most selfish people on the planet and somehow ended up selfless. I'm proud to not be like my parents, but I wish it didn't come along with the guilt. The guilt that comes when God forbid I do something for MYSELF. I make a decision for MYSELF. I do something that makes ME happy.
The other night at 4am I hear my house phone ringing. I jump out of bed because my niece is asleep on the couch and I don't want it to wake her up. Before I get to the phone, I hear my mother on the answering machine. She's crying hysterically and keeps saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The first thing that crossed my mind is that my father has passed away. He's been sick for so long, fighting through heart surgeries, leg surgeries, amputations. My heart sank. I was scared to pick up the phone, but I did.
My dad didn't pass away. He's fine and still recovering, but my mom was calling to tell me that she was about to hang herself.
She was sitting in a tree, with a rope, going to kill herself. She was going to hang herself from a tree just like her brother did last year. She called to say goodbye.
I cannot believe I am admitting this, but some sort of relief flooded over me. I was emotionless. The first thought that crossed my mind was, "that's all?" Suddenly I was mad at her for calling me. I'm not proud of these feelings but I will acknowledge them. The mother I have today is not the same mom I had when I was very young. In a way, my mom is already dead to me. We have no relationship because any relationship with her is toxic. As I began to talk her out of suicide, I had no feeling. It was as if I was talking to a perfect stranger. As if a random person from the other side of the world called me and told me they were going to kill themselves. Of course I will tell ANYONE not to commit suicide. I couldn't beg her not to do it. The words would not come out.
As much as I've tried to hide it, since the night I talked to her out of suicide I've been an emotional wreck. I am angry and bitter. I hold so much resentment and do not know how to let it go. Holding things in only leads to unhealthy habits surfacing.
I will never get out of this vicious cycle if I don't do a few things.
1.I have to let myself be angry.
I have to realize that there is nothing abnormal about my angry feelings as long as I don't let them control me.
2.I have to let it go.
Being angry all the time isn't healthy for anyone. I need to have some time to be angry and then give it to God.
3.I have to focus on me.
At the end of the day, my life is better without my mother in it, and that's nothing to feel guilty about. Removing myself from any situations involving her is best.
4.I have to find more healthy ways to vent. Emotional eating will get me NOWHERE
Being healthy is my main priority. It is the first step to moving on and starting my own family with my husband. I have to remove all of the toxic people in my life that do nothing but bring me down. I have to move forward with no regrets.
Oh my I am so sorry you are going through this. Your mother sounds like a very selfish person. I think suicide is very selfish.I have learned people that announce they are going to commit suicide really are not going to do it. Seems like they are reaching out for some sort of attention. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteVery sorry to hear you are going through this, but please know that you do not have to go through this alone. I have called Hopeline and talked with a counselor through my own dark thoughts as well as dealing with the attempted and completed suicides of friends and family.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.hopeline.com/gethelpnow.html
Suicide is self-inflicted but the victim is never the only one who gets hurt. I'll be praying for you and your family.
Amanda.... :( Fuck, I don't know where to start. First of all, thank you for being brave enough to share something so deep and so personal. That takes balls, even while in hiding behind a keyboard.
ReplyDeleteI have had a totally screwed up relationship with my Mother for YEARS, since childhood. My Dad died when I was 6 and it's been a shitstorm ever since then. As a younger 20 something, my best friend from childhood gave me the best advice I could have asked for in my situation.
She said to quit seeing my Mom as a 'Mom' and expecting her to do 'motherly' things. Quit being disappointed that she wasn't at my high school events. Quit being a crumpled crying mess when she didn't call or give me a birthday card - ever. Quit being jealous when she took my sisters places and bought them things and I was never included. My friend (who I call my REAL sister) told me to start viewing my Mother as like, an acquaintance... someone I know, no expectations, no strong feelings or attachment. From that starting point, I have been able to have a relationship again with my Mom. It was simple at first, like, hey want to go have coffee? Hey, I have these old magazines - would you like to read them? Hows the weather there? It was the only thing that could work for us. I will add that my Mom doesn't have the mental health issues that the woman in your life seems to have, so maybe it was easier.
For self healing, the best thing I have ever done during this re-development of a relationship with her was to write her a letter that I knew I would never deliver to her. It ended up being eighteen pages, 18 full pages. I wrote out every flaw I saw in her, the times she let me down, the times I wished I was dead rather than be living in her home with her, the times her friends/drinking buddies hurt me and she didnt care, all of it. 18 full pages..... I read it to myself and my boyfriend at the time. Then, I burned it. It was a relase, I felt like I had rid myself of a few demons that weren't even my fault. Try it?
My email address is on my blog page now, drop me a line any time!!! Be strong.
I'm not really sure what to say, but I'm sorry you had to go through that. Knowing that you are better off without that influence is huge though. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteWow.... This post blew me away, I love love love how honest you were because thats how i feel about my mother some times, sounds like we have close to the same relationship.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear Amanda. Your blog followers are here to support you. Hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteI'm speechless because I feel the complete and utter hurt in your post.
ReplyDeleteYou are I are similar in that we keep our feelings bottled up. You only see the smile on our face when we are really screaming on the inside. What I've learned is you have to express your feelings. Through writing, through venting, through a friend, etc. If you keep it bottled up, it will only get worse.
And like you said: feel the emotions, acknowledge/forgive yourself or the other person, let it go, and move forward. Forgiving does not mean that you accept the action, but that you aren't going to let it stew in your belly.
If you ever need to talk, I'm an email away.